Tag Archives: family

The Rapture And Other Things – Stop Yanking My Chain


There I was; waiting patiently at work for the rapture to begin, thinking wistfully about the usual (no cook) Saturday night Chicken Kebab that I won’t have a chance to eat, nor sadly ever eat again (unless fast food is served in heaven/hell of course).  Well it was a few minutes late already; and one always has to allow for discrepancies in individual clock settings, but woe is me, after all that gearing myself up, saying goodbye to loved ones, making sure there was enough dried cat stuff in the bowl for puss to eat until she could get her fat ass into gear and catch her own food, nothing at all happened.

I have to say I’m really getting sick and fed up with having my chain continuously yanked. There does not seem to be a single day that goes by whereby, we the people are reliably  ‘informed’ by the so-called ‘brightest’ and ‘best’  regarding ‘events’ ; that unfortunately turn out to be a complete crock of shit and it’s really very disappointing you know.

The MET Office told me last week that we would be having a mini heat wave this weekend; so yesterday morning before work I got my shorts out, rustled up the garden chairs ready for an in the garden reading in the sun sort of day, today.   I woke up to much, much lower temps than average for this time of year, sheet rain of an intensity normally experienced in February and bloody hailstones the size of golf balls.  You see where I’m going with this?

Talking about weather, that inveigler, (call me god), Al Gore and his slimy bunch of non-scientists that make up the cabal of lazy racketeers on the IPCC told me that the world was facing a real planetary emergency due to the correlation between CO² and earth temperatures; that when there is more carbon dioxide, the temperature gets warmer and that if we didn’t do something we would ruin the planet.

Al Gore and the IPCC shared the 2007 Nobel Peace Prize for their movie about how man-made carbon-dioxide emissions were causing run away global warming, and how together we could rise to the challenge and beat this terrible problem; so of course I had to do my bit by agreeing to eventually be taken back to the dark ages; and give them all my money, in the meantime I installed solar panels, which have just been smashed to bits by the hailstones and have not saved any electricity at all I might add because instead of getting warmer, it’s getting colder.

Tony Blair and numerous other consummate liars told me that Saddam Hussein was a very ‘bad man’ and that he and Iraq were complicit in 9/11 and that not only that, Iraq also had these awful weapons of mass destruction that could reach the UK  within 45 minutes and that it was ever so important to make our soldiers invade that country as soon as possible, kill and torture as many civilians as humanly possible and ultimately steal all their resources to make us all safe.  So I thought ‘oh my goodness’ we must stop him and inadvertently facilitated mass murder.

Talking about consummate liars, I was told by the brightest and best recently that unless I bailed out the Bankers we faced global economic collapse; and that it was up to me to give them all my money to ensure that this wouldn’t happen.

I was shocked to the core, so I agreed wholeheartedly to let them use my money and that of my children, future grandchildren and great-grandchildren to paper over the massive cracks, to allow them to continue giving themselves morally bankrupt bonuses, continue with currency betting, not implement any levy on future financial dealings to curb the power of the City, or a Tobin tax, or false wealth accumulations, or yet use the Western stimulus spending  to sustain world infrastructure, nor really change anything; but my government, nor the financial sector elites would ever lie to me, so I mustn’t complain when the paper covering the cracks unravels and there are no jobs, can’t feed my family,  and am subsequently, catapulted into WW3; it’s not their fault.

President Obama told me he had killed that other very ‘bad man’ Osama Bin Laden the other day; so I was very pleased and took to the streets in celebration.  President Obama also told me he had to quickly bury Bin Laden at sea; to ensure that even though he had apparently brought about the deaths of 3000 of US civilians, and even though the US had paraded the bodies of many other ‘bad’ Muslims on TV; and even though President Obama is currently not respecting Muslims in Syria, Libya, Palestine and just about any and every Muslim Country in the Middle East; he had to be buried according to Muslim culture and beliefs out of respect.  I nodded my head and thought what a considerate man President Obama is.

President Obama also told me that he endorsed a major Palestinian demand today for the borders of its future state and told  Israel to accept that it can never have a truly peaceful nation that is based on “permanent occupation.”   I was so happy to hear this; even though President Obama, since taking office, has always been in the bend over and let Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu give it to me in the ass with the biggest dildo ever featured in my Ann Summers catalogue, craven unconditional support to Israel, position. I remain in awe of his stance as a bravely consistent president.

I just don’t know how many more disappointments I can take (sigh).

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Chilcott Inquiry – Tony Blair and Myra Hindley, or Myra Blair and Tony Hindley?


Where’s the association you may ask?  Well the comparisons are uncanny.

I just finished reading a very accomplished book, written by Carol Ann Lee   titled ‘One Of Your Own, The Life And Death Of Myra Hindley’.

The book is an in-depth study of an infamous British child murderer, which reveals the woman and her crimes in the context of our collective history.

The book illustrates quite clearly to anyone with even the smallest understanding of mental processes and human behaviour that Myra Hindley was a Psychopath.

The author points out that people who commit monstrous acts rarely look any different from the rest of humanity, but what sets them apart are their choices, acts of appalling cruelty and violence.

Everyone reviled this child murderer; apart from a few easily manipulated elites, who along with Hindley spent many years and a great deal of money telling the world she was misunderstood and  justifying her behaviour.

 

 

Tony Blair is also a psychopath; responsible for the murder of many children, the difference being that the dead children were not British, but Iraqi .  The board of the Chilcott Inquiry could be construed as easily manipulated elites setting the stage and enabling Tony Blair to tell the world he is misunderstood, whilst justifying his behaviour.

Hindley and Blair both displayed a total lack of conscience, along with an ongoing psychological coldness without human warmth, or emotion, in light of their crimes; both refused to co-operate with authorities when questioned regarding the parts they played.  Hindley was; and Blair is, a consummate Actor.

Myra Hindley was continually depicted as a victim, whom her defenders believed was under the spell of her partner in crime, the infamous Ian Brady.

Tony Blair also sees himself as a victim; albeit for different reasons, but many of his defenders believe he was also under the spell of his infamous partner in crime, George Bush.

Hindley was Catholic, who felt secure in the knowledge that her faith and her feigned remorse meant her redemption, regardless of the fact that she continued to guilefully lie about her involvement in the deaths of three of the five Moor’s murder victims for many, many years and remained indifferent to the suffering of the families of her victims.

Blair is also a Catholic, who also feels secure in the knowledge that his faith means his redemption; regardless of the fact that he continues to guilefully lie about his involvement in the premeditated murder of many, many children.  Blair also displays a complete indifference to the suffering of the families of his victims.  Furthermore Blair even stated in an emphatic manner, (which implied God’s requisite) that God would judge whether he was right to send British troops to Iraq, resulting in the murder of thousands of children.

Hindley and Blair both wrote memoirs, both of which were wholly self-absorbed, displayed a profound ability to manipulate and extrapolated their monumental egotism.

Blair and Hindley both blamed others for their decision to partake in the murder of innocents and even implied that they indirectly brought it upon themselves.  Hindley implied that one of her victims ‘should not have been out so late at night’; Blair’s inferences suggest he was also a victim of circumstance and now inadequately blames ‘the hidden hand of Iran’.

Both Psychopaths regularly returned to and had their trophy photographs taken at the scene of their crimes.

Myra Hindley believed that she and Brady became ‘their own God’s’ and was completely disconnected from normal life; Hindley remained so up until her death.

Blair also clearly demonstrates a self-affirming, godlike personality.   He was and remains completely detached from reality, in relation to his self -supporting virtuousness, his steadfast self-belief regarding WMD’s and invasion of Iraq despite information that has transpired since; and his ongoing rabid enthusiasm for a similar confrontation with Iran.

The only dissimilarities I see are:  the difference in the number of children involved, that Myra Hindley was tried, convicted and punished for her crimes and was never free again.

Hindley was also not immediately made a Middle East Peace Envoy and ironically continued persistently, to trumpet war against yet more Middle Eastern countries.  Her memoirs were never published; she was not rewarded for her crimes either financially, or prestigiously; and was never given the power, resources, or opportunity to murder innocent children again.

Nigella Lawson? I Don’t Think So – Nightmare Easter Simnel Cake


Nigella Caricature – Kindly Provided By Ian Baker – http://www.ianbakercartoons.co.uk & http://www.221artstore.co.uk

I decided I was going to do some baking over the Easter holiday.

Working full-time means that from time to time I have feelings of guilt over the lack of home-baked treats provided for the family.   Whenever I have time off; I try to emulate, albeit a rather poor version of Nigella Lawson and bake things.

So; I decided to make an Easter Simnel Cake.  The first hurdle was trying to actually remember  the name of this Easter delicacy and after several hours spent trawling the net and being presented with a never-ending list of recipes for chocolate egg nests and hot cross bunnies; I finally found the recipe I was looking for.

This traditional recipe called for a lot of work and from the onset I had a feeling of trepidation.    The main one being the need to make ones own Almond paste (Marzipan).  Apparently shop bought, has too much sugar in it and will melt during cooking; I was reliably informed via the recipe, that by making my own, this would not happen.  I should just point out, just in case you are not aware; that Simnel cake has a layer of marzipan running through the middle.

Well, I did exactly as the recipe directed;  by placing about half of Asia and Africa’s supply of almonds and a specified amount of Tate & Lyle into a bowl and although the almond paste looked and smelt like marzipan, it did not taste like marzipan.

Never being one to give up and  no matter the lingering harbinger of doom,  I just deposited half a bottle of almond essence into the mixture and hoped for the best.  Unfortunately the paste was a bit too pliable after this, even though the other amounts used were to the letter,  so to counteract this, I left the lump of pseudo marzipan by the central heating boiler to dry out.  This seemed to work quite well actually.

The ingredient to cake mixture conversion proceeded without any complications and the result was a yummy looking concoction of fruit, eggs, flour and spices ready to go into the cake tin.  This of course raised my spirits somewhat.

I transferred half the cake mixture from food processor to cake tin; placed my previously rolled out layer of  dried out almond paste, courtesy of the central heating boiler, on the top and then the rest of the cake mixture on top of the almond paste.   By this time, although feeling a little frazzled, my mood had changed from apprehensive to very optimistic.

I put the cake in the oven, cooked it for what seemed like half a year on a very low heat as instructed; and whilst waiting, stuffed my face with easter eggs and happily envisioned the amazed expressions on the faces of my family when presented with the results of my culinary genius.

The recipe suggested that I insert a clean knife into the cake from time to time; to test whether the cake was cooked and ready to remove from the oven, so I did.  Unfortunately each time I did so, the knife, when removed still had uncooked residue adhering to it, almost three hours later.

So, I left it for another half an hour and finally took it out.   The cake looked and smelt stunning, unfortunately at this point I didn’t.  How exactly does Nigella still manage to look like a goddess, even after the stress of cooking one has  to ask?   When I, even though wearing a particularly eyecatchingly elegant pair of Jasper Conran Pyjamas, looked like a deranged and disheveled, flour splattered bag lady?

After letting my portrayal of culinary magnificence cool for a while, I placed yet another previously rolled out layer of  dried out almond paste, courtesy of the central heating boiler on top of the cake, followed by eleven balls of left over almond paste to represent the apostles, minus Judas.  Although isn’t leaving Judas out just a tad unfair, as if the new testament is to be believed, then Judas only did that, which was previously organised/predestined by God (Jesus) anyway?

A finished Simnel Cake should look something like this….

Talking about predestined, it was predestined that my Simnel cake was going to look more like ones depicted version of a hopelessly drunken Nigella’s unfinished Christmas cake, rather than the spectacular comestible I had envisioned.

The almond paste in the middle of the cake did melt; there was no sign of it upon cutting.

When slices were presented to the family for tasting, I was informed that it was ‘moist’.  That’s it, moist!

It’s no wonder the blasted thing was ‘moist’ with all that melted marzipan inside it.

I defy anyone to tell me that their Simnel Cake always has a distinctive layer of golden almond paste running through the middle of it, without them having surreptitiously sliced the cake in half, thrown a rolled out layer of previously bought shop marzipan on one half and then squeezed the two sections of cake back together again.

I also defy anyone to tell me that after baking a Simnel cake, they managed to look as dapper and well-groomed  as Nigella.

My next challenge will be Christmas Stollen.  I told you… I don’t give up easily.

Update:  04/04/2012 – I just realised that the Url for Nigella’s recipe has now changed; the new Url is displayed below.  Happy Easter and Happy Cooking.

http://www.nigella.com/recipes/view/simnel-cake

Note:  At the time of writing this blog post (2010) I did not use Nigella’s recipe.  In 2011 I did and it is a great recipe.

Tip: Nigella’s recipe calls for a blow torch to brown the marzipan cake top; the grill works just as well if you don’t have a blow torch , but be careful; watch it like a hawk, as brown can turn to burnt very quickly (sigh).  Nigella also uses shop bought Marzipan!